• Janele Hoerner

Taking a Leap... of Love

Love requires faith, trust, and hope- but we seem all too willing to hold back those exact three things as we feel nervous about a pressing situation. We feel the call to do something grand and yet we hold back because of fear, judgement, and pressure. We argue internally that we do not have the strength, time, or energy to gestate, persevere, and give birth to our thought and yet with every great act comes great trust, energy, and patience.

Though when it comes down to it, as I pull apart and analyze every part of my own internal equation- the only thing I really must speak with, is love. I fully admit my trust is fleeting, my energy is lacking, and my patience- well- let’s not even begin to go there. All I have, all I truly have, is a deep and radiating love of God, of creation, and of my family. All I know is that my husband and I have given life to our amazing and wonderful fleet of children and not a second goes by where I can reasonable picture a life without all of their unique impacts. Each baby has played an ingenious role in a divine plan that I could have never fathomed only 15 years ago while I sat, engulfed in tears after a terrible date as I truly believed I would never find someone to love me.

How naive, untrusting, unhopeful, unfaithful I was, of God our divine creator. I failed to trust, to have hope, to have faith and yet, now only a few short years later - I cannot imagine having a moment to myself; and sometimes tears consume me for that exact reason.

From time to time as I watch them play from afar I cannot even fathom how in 12 short years I have had so many little bodies reside inside my own body. Yet, I am blessed to watch over half of them play as I imagine the few I was never blessed to meet playing in their divine home. I look at my oldest and see that in only 7 short years he will be an adult.

Together in that tiny amount of time we will be entering into a new territory - one I do not even begin to know how to precede into - and yet all I have is my love for that little baby. The child who never slept, who was given so many diagnoses for his tiny body, and was only content being held in my arms. Though that little baby is now almost 11, growing closer to passing me in height with only one pubescent growth spurt.

I cannot even relate into words how quickly those moments have passed us, dispite the days I thought would never end with his endless meltdowns. As much as Gracin still continues to baffle me with the things he says, the intelligence that he produces from his brain, and the emotions he lets loose on us - I cannot even believe those 10 years of trial are past. Those years are gone way too soon and I am left to wonder how and why God thankfully chose me to be blessed in being his earthly Mother.

I took a leap of love with this life without any hope, any trust, and any faith, all I had was love, but God provided me the rest. I could have chosen to end his life. I was scared, I was young, I was not in a committed relationship, and yet God provided the rest. I took a leap of love and was given a boundless abundance of love!

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